I posted last week on Instagram about faking it. Mostly in the context of toning down your personality as a survival mechanism; a.k.a. going along to get along. Today I want to extrapolate on that and talk about faking it for the holidays. And how if one good thing came out of 2020 it’s the idea that maybe we don’t have to.
Last year, my husband and I didn’t travel for Thanksgiving or for Christmas despite the fact that we did actually plan to. Thanksgiving plans were cancelled when the hostess and half the intended guests contracted COVID, and Christmas travel was derailed by Ollie having a chronic bout of pancreatitis on December 23rd.
Even though we hadn’t intended to fully quarantine for the holidays, the fact that it worked out that way was something of a blessing in disguise. For the first time in years, our presence couldn’t reasonably be required anywhere. We had built-in, incontrovertible excuses for staying home, just the two of us.
And if I’m being honest, they were the best holidays I’d had in many years.
No travel or pet care orchestrations. Good-bye, busy airports and extra vacation days for travel on either end. No need to be “on” to get along with family I see once a year. And no exhaustion from humoring people to keep the peace instead of speaking my mind as I typically would.
I had the absolute luxury of waking up in my own bed, preparing all the foods I love on the holidays, watching movies on the sofa and snuggling with cats. It was a dream.
And it got me wondering, why do we use the fourth Thursday in November and December 25th for catching up with relatives you don’t have friendships with in real life?
Some of these holiday gatherings feel a bit like a school reunion; an endless stream of polite small talk that navigates the minefield of politics and religion to arrive at topics that are palatable for everyone and interesting to no one.
I had my hair done last week and was speaking to my stylist about this. She asked, “Why can’t our generation change these traditions that say we have to be with family on the actual day of Christmas?” She went on to say that the holiday season is two months long, and yet we stack all the pressure on two or three days. Why not make the whole season a party and visit everyone throughout, and leave one another alone to enjoy the holi-dates at home?
What amuses me about this is that everyone I’ve spoken to about it seems to agree with my stylist. And yet when the inevitable invitation comes for their obligatory presence at this year’s Thanksgiving, the sails deflate and they end up committing to go.
Why are we doing this?
Pandemic aside, the overwhelming majority of friends and cohorts that I’ve spoken to would prefer to spend their holiday at home wearing pants with a relaxed waistband and reveling in their precious time off from work in whatever way they choose.
What’s more, none of these people (myself included) claim to have any longstanding feud or deep-seated dislike of the family members they would otherwise spend the holiday with. The issue seems more to do with the fact that, given a free day (a remarkable scarcity in adulthood), they’d rather spend it just being themselves, doing what suits them best.
The implication is that they can’t do those things if they are spending the holiday engaged in idle chit chat with virtual strangers who can claim a blood relation. They would need to be on their best behavior. Which we all know is code for, “Smile, nod, and be generally agreeable.”
Put that way, it’s a pretty big ask to request that someone use their precious free time off to attend a gathering where they have to tuck in their personalities to make sure everyone across generations can get along.
Sorry, I spend my work life doing that.
For those who are so insistent upon adhering to this unhappy tradition of faking it for the holidays, why? What would be the problem with having a different kind of celebration or spending the holiday apart? Enjoying them with your absolute favorite people to eat and drink with instead of the in-laws you never see, the aunt who’s out to prove her woke-ness, and that one relative who is going to shatter the fragile equilibrium the rest of you are barely sustaining as it is?
Shouldn’t holidays be for spending with your favorite people? Can we release the assumption that your favorite people and your family are always one and the same? I see you all on Instagram, liking the posts that rally behind the idea that boundaries are excellent and it’s okay to prioritize your chosen family over the one you were born or married into. How many of you are liking those posts while you’re listening to your mother’s latest passive-aggressive rant over the turkey baster?
How do you REALLY want to spend your holidays this year? Who are you going to be okay with upsetting to prioritize yourself and your needs?
Reading Time: 7 minutes This post contains affiliate links. If you use the links to make a purchase, I may receive a small commission, at no additional cost to
Reading Time: 7 minutes This post contains affiliate links. If you use the links to make a purchase, I may receive a small commission, at no additional cost to
Reading Time: 7 minutes I learned a big lesson in chronic stress and slowing down last week. I talked in my last post about acknowledging my chronic stress as
